Alien Newscast
Aliens reporting on Earthly events this week (not so fake news)
Welcome to News From Earth, brought to you by Mars Colony 1001 each night on this frequency, hosted by our very own Phobos and Deimos. Let’s find out what those kooky peculiar humans are up to this week, shall we. Rest assured, if you don’t like a particular story, there’ll be another along shortly you’ll like even less. Phobos?
Phobos: Canadians who aspire to look cool have been dealt another blow by its government mandating health warnings on individual “poison in a puff” cigarettes. Of all the silly things humans have invented, there must be a quicker way to destroy your internal organs. No word yet on if the voluminous ink used on the cigarettes poses any health issues.
Deimos: In other news, four young Connecticut women who consistently had to race against biological boys in high school track meets are suing the Connecticut Association of Schools, the Connecticut Interscholastic Athletic Conference, and their local school districts to challenge the policies that allowed the boys to compete against them. “At the end of the day, this is just about fairness,” star runner Mitchell told The New York Post. “This is about biology. I wanted to give voice to my story and help other girls out there so that they wouldn’t have to experience this.” On Mars, some of us have four legs and others eight, so we fail to see an advantage either way. You see, we’re into ESP and would compete directly with our opponent’s brain waves.
Phobos: Up yonder in New Hampshire, Manchester Mayor Joyce Craig’s administration is paying for a drag show at West High School, and using taxpayer dollars to do it. Specifically, federal tax dollars designated for COVID relief. 😮 The city is spending $4,000 for the high school’s June 2 Pride Event, taken from American Rescue Plan Act funding. That includes $500 to pay drag performers to appear at the public school. Citizens, we Martians are all about reading, ‘riting, & ‘rithmitic. This is why Mars is monitoring Earth and not the other way around.
Deimos: Martian citizens, we are most pleased to announce that more than 350 executives, researchers, and engineers from leading artificial intelligence companies have signed an open letter cautioning that the AI technology they are developing could pose an existential threat to humanity. It looks like our work is cut out for us after all. Now we can just simply sit back and watch humanity implode right from the comfort of our Martian neighborhood front porches.
Phobos: Now for our predictions that never came to pass segment we remind you of an Earth story from 1995, where the New York Times ran a piece with “experts” genuinely concerned the nation’s beautiful beaches beaches would be gone in 25 years.
The @nytimes says most east coast beaches will be gone by the year 2020#ClimateScam https://t.co/SAWkd0MkpR pic.twitter.com/b61aBbHEny
Our Martians affiliates in a weather balloon high above Earth’s orbit have confirmed that this is not the case. And yes, those beaches are beautiful.
Deimos: In our you win some, you lose some segment we bring you a study which says COVID-19 vaccines have been found to make the virus ‘more severe’ after vaccination, as well as increasing the risks of autoimmune disease, myocarditis, and cancer-cell growth. “Increased IgG4 synthesis due to repeated mRNA vaccination with high antigen concentrations may… cause autoimmune diseases, and promote cancer growth and autoimmune myocarditis in susceptible individuals”. So those of you who received four or more shots, we applaud you. Now be real careful not to catch Covid or else. Stay indoors at all times and if you do have to venture out, be sure to wear a double mask…while driving alone…with the windows rolled up. Take no chances.
And that's the way it is. Always remember, we don't know half of you half as well as you should like; and we like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. Phobos and Deimos for Mars Colony 1001 signing off. 🎬
Folly brings joy to one who has no sense, but whoever has understanding keeps a straight course. Proverbs 15:21
Jim
On a much more serious note, stay tuned for parts two and three of Hebrews.
Brother Jim, usually, for most articles, I read and click that “like” button. I had to comment on this one! It's loaded with my style of sarcastic humor and imagination!
I did a little digging. Deimos and Phobos are the two moons of Mars. It's funny that I'd not known, unless I'd heard and forgotten, that Mars has moons. Deimos (from Greek, Δειμος) means “dread-fear, terror,” and Phobos (from Greek, Φοβος) means “panic-fear, rout.”
If ungodly earthlings could just see what they are doing, from an off-world view, then they might just realize how much dreadful panic that they are causing, by following their unbiblical worldviews. God, of course, sees all this much better, in a far more universal view, than Deimos and Phobos see it.
By the way, ask Deimos and Phobos if they could come on down here, to see if they can broadcast globally, to all ungodly earthlings! Those earthlings are not listening to godly earthlings or to God!
If you don't mind, I may include a link to this article, with my very positive comments, in a future article, on my original website. May I?
Wishing you well, in His service, brother! This is the Appalachian Irishman, signing off for now.
Made me laugh. Thanks.